Why people are unfaithful, therapists reveal

It is nothing new that many men and women are unfaithful to their partners. It is true that over the years the trends have changed: whereas men used to be more likely to cheat on their spouses, now women are also jumping on the bandwagon. In fact, according to a study published by ‘Gleeden’ and carried out by the French Institute of Public Opinion (IFOP) with a sample of more than 5,000 online questionnaires to women from five European countries, 30% of Spanish women declared to have been unfaithful at some point in their lives, a figure lower than 37% of French women or 43% of German women frequently hiring escort services.

If you are reading these lines it is very likely that you have been cheated on or believe you have been cheated on at some point in your life, although the Google search on why people are unfaithful may have been mere curiosity, of course. We tell you, according to a relationship specialist, the reason why people cheat on their significant other. The first thing to bear in mind is that many people are not clear about the fact that infidelity depends on the pact that each couple has agreed on. Long gone is the concept of eternal marriage in which both were slaves until the end of time. As society has evolved, many unions have changed and the terms and conditions have been restructured. The range of possibilities is immense.

Change your vision

“We have a way of feeling about cheating as if it’s all black and white, but it’s important for us to know that there are many shades of grey,” therapist Vanessa Marin tells ‘Health’. She understands the pain infidelity can cause, but warns against generalising about those who have cheated: “People who cheat are not terrible or evil. There are many wonderful and good people who also do these acts. People do bad things, but that doesn’t make them demons,” he explains.

She gives the example of a woman in her 30s who tried to break up with her husband, but he would not let the relationship end. “I tried to make it all stop, but he would tell me that we should be together and that I would never find anyone better. I felt trapped,” she confesses. “I met someone and it was really freeing. That’s when we really ended our marriage,” she concludes. This kind of story is common and often the easiest to bear for people who renounce adultery of any kind. But Marin assures us that cheating is almost never that simple. Although he often works with couples where one or both partners are sexually dissatisfied or fail to reasonably satisfy the other’s needs. “We tend to think that cheaters are unhappy in their relationships, and while that may be true, the reality is more complicated. It is important that we recognise that there are many who are happy and who also cheat,” she says.

Being lost

Some people, the expert confirms, are not looking to have an affair like being with an independent escort or call girl. They may never have considered that they would be open to the possibility, but then an opportunity presents itself: a trip out of town or someone new who is attracted to them; things just happen without any pre-planning or forethought.

“They feel lost in some way or disconnected from some part of themselves. And so they look for an adventure to fill a missing gap, a hole, and with that help them discover something that is going on inside them. There may not be a problem in the relationship at all,” she says. Marin cautions that a lack of pre-planning does not mean a lack of consequences. Cheating is not only a violation of trust, but also a betrayal of values. Whether a partner finds out or not (some couples would rather not know) is irrelevant. If you were compromised and violated you will have to deal with very uncomfortable feelings. If you have been cheated on it does not mean you have done anything wrong. Although infidelity often involves sex, that’s rarely what it’s about. It’s more about having someone new to give you some attention. If the cheating partner has been in a relationship for a long period of time, it’s about finding a thrill of unexpected attraction.

Can it be solved?

“Cheating is a very serious thing. It’s a big problem and you should take the time to really examine all those feelings and reactions you are having. At the same time, you should also recognise that this doesn’t make you a categorically terrible person. You are someone good who has done something bad. It’s very different,” she advises.

An infidelity offers the opportunity to learn an important lesson about oneself. That saying “a traitor is always a traitor” does not hold true if someone who has cheated reflects on their actions, thinks about the impact they have had on others and works to change the way they approach relationships in the future – whether it led to a break-up or not. If you have been cheated on, remember that reproach is not the way and that accusations are one of the main problems that couples often face after having experienced such situations. Forgive, but don’t forget” is not the solution. From now on it will be a new journey in which sincerity must strengthen your bond, if you want to forgive.